to bring Jennifer Tilly for dinner.

Dell'Anima
38 8th Avenue
At Jane Street

Sometimes a hectic and bustling atmosphere can do wonders for drowning out an annoying voice. It could be your boring boss, your high pitched gay friend, or a sister who won't shut up about her kid's potty training.

Whatever the voice - you need some white noise to block it out. And nothing helps more than a crowded and loud restaurant.

Del'Anima fits the bill perfectly because you won't have to sacrifice any food quality for a noisy atmosphere. It's also a tight squeeze when you get a table, but the rustic Italian fare they create is worth the squish. The food is absolutely incredible, notably the Carbonara and the Bruschetta - they are the best I've had - and I eat those two things a LOT. They serve perfectly simple and fresh dishes in reasonable portions (The fat guy in me is always disappointed I didn't get a half pound of pasta), and the staff is more friendly than you'd expect for a hip and crowded spot like this. It's a great place for romantic dinner or catching up with an old friend - just as long as you didn't really want to hear what they had to say.

Tip: If they are booked inside - ask if there are any tables outside in back. They have 5 tables hidden behind the restaurant on West 4th. It's very quiet and is one of the few places that I like sitting outside.

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...when you absolutely, positively, without a doubt canNOT be seen with this person.

Raines Law Room

48 West 17th Street

Between 5th and 6th.

Remember that Bugs Bunny cartoon where Yosemite Sam tries to escape Bugs by flying to China, going into a cave, digging down 500 feet and then locks himself in a safe? Then in the darkness, someone lights a match - it's Bugs. What's up Doc? Well, that's New York City.

Sometimes, no matter how remote the borough, no matter how obscure the place is, no matter how far down the side alley you go - you WILL see someone you know. It's just one of the laws that this city has. But there are things you can do to get around this law if you're careful. So, if you absolutely can't be seen with the person your with - whether it's an affair, a sketchy business transaction, or catching up with your father who's in the witness protection program - I have just the place for you: Raines Law Room.

Down a dark and empty street, 2 full avenues from Union Square, in the quiet wasteland between the Village and Chelsea, lies an unmarked door. Ring the lit doorbell button and the door will open and an attractive foreign man simply says "We've been expecting you.". Once you walk in, the decor is of a 1920s apartment, turned into a hip spot for friends to meet and sneak a cocktail. There's no bar, just an apartment kitchen which is where the bartenders serve up classic drinks. With only about 12 tables, it hard for the place to get too crowded - increasing your odds tht you'll see someone you know. But just to be safe, ask for a table in the back.

Once you and your secret friend sit at a quiet and dimly lit table, just pull the string hanging on the wall for service. This helps keeping prying eyes of the staff away until you absolutely need them. Of course, this super secret location and service comes with a price. Drinks can run between $10 and $15, and the food menu consists of just a cheese plate. But you'll be able to rest easy, because on an off night, at an off time, with a back table at a speakeasy in this dead zone of Manhattan, I would say the chance of seeing someone you know is about 14% - which is the lowest this town is ever going to give you.

Tip: Sunday through Tuesday, they will accept reservations. Just send an email to reservations@raineslawroom.com by 3pm and let them know the number in your part and phone number. If you happen to get to Raines during prime hours, you can leave your name and cell number with the host and they WILL get in touch with you when a table opens up.

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...to bring your broke friend who doesn't want you to pay for them.

Otto
1 Fifth Avenue
At 8th Street

I spent two years of my life unemployed, so I know how much it blows to be invited out by a friend and look at the menu and see that the only thing you can afford is the free bread. And what makes it worse? When your friend sees your face, remembers that you don't have a job and says "Don't worry, I'll pay for it". I mean, it's a nice gesture, thanks - but I'd rather not feel like Oliver Twist.

So, as a friend, what can you do? Well, you have to pick a place that's comfortable, casual, but also doesn't look like you're trying too hard to find a cheap place for them (No Gray's Papaya).

Otto is celebrity chef Mario Batali's pizza and pasta place, that although serving delicious rustic food for incredibly cheap prices, the atmosphere is sophisticated, fun and even a little fancy. But don't be fooled by the crowds inside or the decor - Otto is famous for its $9 Pastas, $13 pizzas, and plenty of $35 bottles of wine.

Maybe it's just me, but good and cheap pizza is easy to find. Good and cheap pasta is difficult. So I say, skip the pizza and take full advatange of the pasta menu - where Mario Batali has put classic hearty flavors into beautiful and classic dishes - FOR 9 FREAKING DOLLARS. Where else are you going to get that? Nowhere. That's where.

Tip: The bar area is designed like an Italian train station, and during prime hours, tables are called on a giant flipping train schedule on the wall - so be sure to pay attention not to miss your train/table.

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...after a long vacation and you want to feel like a New Yorker again.

Abe and Arthur's

409 West 14th St.

(Between 9th and 10th)

You never know what you have until it's gone. Usually people say that about a relationship, a job, or maybe an STD - But for me a few days ago, it meant a good beer, a good steak, and a good dessert. After I came back from a trip overseas, where everything I ate seemed to taste like lamb and yogurt, I was in serious need for some good American food and to reconnect with New York. I found it at Abe and Arthur's.

Located in the heart of the Meatpacking district, you are thrown right back into the hip and hectic vibe of the city. The staff is beautiful, the music is great, and the food is fantastic. What else can you ask for after a trip to the Congo, or Shanghai, or Kansas?

The menu is substantial, but my recommendations are the Sliders, the Rib Eye for two, and the Mac and Cheese. And you can not miss the best part of the meal - dessert. At Abe and Arthur's they serve a Ferris Wheel of donuts. Yup, I said it. These perfectly warm and soft fritters are served with two small squeeze bottles, one cream, and one jelly, and you use them to "inject" your donut with whichever flavor suits you best. Oh man...I'm weak just thinking about it.

Tip: If you aren't paying attention, your bill can easily get to the $100 per person mark - but if you have to trim - cut back on the $12 sides and the $14 cocktails.

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...for filling the hole in your heart with something fried.

A Salt and Battery
112 Greenwich Avenue (Between 12th and 13th)

Sometimes the world gets you down. Maybe it's a break up, maybe it's a bad day at the office. Whatever the case, you need to dull the pain in your heart with something delicious and terribly unhealthy. Well, for the weak and weary, the altar where you must pay respect is the industrial strength frialator - where somehow anything can be transformed from ordinary to extraordinary.

At A Salt and Batter, they not only make arguably the city's best Fish and Chips, they also have the best pick-me-up known to man: The Fried Mars Bar. That's right, the classic candy bar is lightly battered and dropped into the magical cauldron and transformed into a transcendental masterpiece of warm, goey chocolate and caramel surrounded by a golden crispy shell.

Tip: There's only a few stools to sit in this place, so get your Mars Bar or fish and chips and walk down to some of the nice parks in the West Village.

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...for finally telling your best friend you're in love with them.

Elettaria

33 West 8th Street (At MacDougal St.)

It happened in Greek mythology, Renaissance paintings, Teen Wolf, Some Kind of Wonderful, and all the way up to Patrick Dempsey in Maid of Honor. Apparently falling in love with your best friend without even knowing it seems to happen a lot, so it's only fitting to recommend a perfect place to finally gather your courage and just say how you feel.

Elettaria is a perfect combination of a fun and romantic atmosphere. It's totally appropriate to meet your "best friend" for a great deal on happy hour drinks and delicious bar food, but when you say "Why don't we grab a table" it seamlessly switches to being a cozy and upscale restaurant with a beautiful open kitchen. The food is a tasty fusion of many influences from the middle east, Asia and Europe, and the menu is spectacular.

Fun Fact: The restaurant resides in the old "8th Wonder" music venue, where Jimi Hendrix used to play and the stage is now the open kitchen. In these days of rockstar chefs, I guess it makes sense.

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Yelp

...to take your brother-in-law for beer and wings.

1849

183 Bleeker Street

There are plenty of places in the city that offer a good deal on wings and beer, but only 1849 does it with a fun atmosphere, comfortable couches and a low douche to non douche ratio. On Sundays, Mondays and Wednesdays they have 2 for 1 drink special and 20 cent wings., but beware: late nights and prime hours, this place can be an NYU madhouse, and the servers are used to dealing with their stupidity, so they may pass some of that bitterness onto you.

Tip: They put 20% tip into all bills if you pay by credit card. So the key is to pay with cash as you go.

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Yelp Reviews

..for showing your ex that you're doing just great without trying too hard to show that you're doing just great.

Cowgirl
519 Hudson St.

When you see an ex for the first time since you broke up, you want a lively place with great food and better booze - and I think the best way to get over any post break-up awkwardness is with the Frito-Pie, corndogs and Margaritas at Cowgirl. Fun without being too cheesy and the food is classic southern comfort. You'll also be perfectly situated by the Meatpacking district and the west village, so you can easily continue the evening. But after 2 pitchers of Cowgirl strawberry margaritas, I can not be blamed if bad decisions are made.

Tip: In the early weekend hours this place can get little kid friendly. I have experienced many disgusted looks from mothers at my behavior at 2pm on a Sunday.

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Yelp